Switches; Labels and Identity, headspace and behavior, and rules of engagement.
This week I want to have a discussion about switches and how they fit in or don't fit into the Femdom world. Full disclosure: I am switch. I enjoy and take pleasure and satisfaction in both Domme and Sub roles. Recently I have developed a relationship with a mistress; however, I am not ready to trade in my domme creds. At the same time I do not want to mislead my friends and those I love or be put into a position where I don't show my Miss proper respect. I've put a lot of thought into this and have broken down today's discussion into three sub topics: labels and Identity, headspace and behavior, finally rules of engagement.
Labels in Femdom serve a function: they identify you with your desires and define your base identity. When you say I am a domme, sub or slave most people know how to relate to you.. When you say you are a switch it forces people to clarify where you fit on the D/s spectrum. Ambiguity is difficult for humans and it is most people's nature to define and classify others around them into categories; male or female, old or young, in the D/s world Domme or sub. We do this categorization without even being aware of it most times. Assessment and categorization of the world around us, including people, is an evolved survival skill. The ability to assess opportunity and danger figure largely in how we have survived. It is not until a square peg comes along that we become aware of our discomfort with ambiguity.
Discussion question:
When you encounter a person you are interested in and they turn out to be a switch do you feel the need to "figure them out"? Do they create a sense of unease? Do you say thank you no thank you?
I also think it is important to address headspace in this conversation. I define headspace and the cognitive, behavioural and emotional characteristics associated with a particular role. It's how we express that role we identify with. Some people simply align with their role in D/s so well that they are "naturally' a domme, sub or slave. Others have to evaluate the person they are interacting with and themselves to find a comfy headspace. In some cases I clearly tend towards the Domme side of the world, this is especially true with men and with others I tend to be more on the submissive side. Depending upon how the other person responds defines how I respond. There are times when I find myself in domme or sub mode in doing just vanilla activities. For example stepping up to take charge in a task or project when I see the need for leadership or conversely dropping easily into a doer or servant role as the case calls for it.
Discussion questions
For switches do you have a difficult time switching headspace and behaviors or does it tend to come naturally based on the situation or persons involved?
For non-switches involved with a switch partner, when your partner switches headspace to a complimentary role does that affirm your role? Conversely when a switch partner drops into the same role as yours with another partner does it disempower you?
How people switch is an important consideration. Some people are binary switches meaning they are either all sub / all domme and do not mix the roles concurrently. Others occupy the Domme/ sub roles concurrently in an almost hierarchical or "family" structure. For example I am more than ready to top another person as a service top at my Mistresses direction. In addition I have several submissive men I play with on an intermittent basis independent of my primary relationship. I will say that I do schedule my time with others with my Mistress but that is more a function of making poly relationships work.
Discussion questions:
For switches what are your rules of engagement to ensure that people feel respected and their identities affirmed when interacting?
For non-switches what are your rules of engagement for switches?
For everyone is it harder to develop the trust a healthy D/s relationship needs when one partner is a switch?